Floyd’s Rant for Wrestlemania I
Show starts off with Mean Gene Oakerlund singing the national anthem. Gov. Jessee da Body says Mean Gene rates right up there with Robert Goulet.
1. Chico Santana Vs. The Executioner – The Executioner is Buddy Rose, which means .. damn! He’s super skinny compared to Rose 2.0 in a few years. In the interview Executioner says he’s going after Chico’s leg that was hurt by Greg the hammer valentine and needed surgery.
By the way, Chico Sanata is one of my all-time favorites. Being Hispanic myself probably scores him points, but he was an awesome worker and even during his 90’s job days always put out a great match for his opponents. Chico starts with a Taco House O’ fire! And dropkicks Executioner outside. Chico works a headlock Man… I miss Gorilla Monsoon’s and Jesse’s commentary… L Chico makes a dumbass good guy mistake and gets beat on for awhile. Executioner works on the leg but Chico counters into a cool pinning move. Chico’s Tacoing up!! Executioner pleads like a bitch but them outsmarts that dumbass Chico again. Executioner goes to the top rope!! Chico catches him! Flair slam off the top! But AGAIN Chico makes a dumbass mistake and Executioner works on da leg. Chico kicks Executioner all the way out where he lands sitting down on a chair. Back in and Chico hits the Flying Jalapeno! Chico uses his nemesis Greg Valentine’s finishing move, the Figure-Four leglock, gets the submission! Really fun opener. **1/2
2. King Kong Bundy (w/ manager Jimmy Hart) Vs. S.D. Jones – S.D. stands for Special Deliver and he was a really good jobber in the days. Hey cool, the original I used watch as a kid was clipped and never had these interviews Both Jones and Bundy are pretty good. Shame the interview’s lasted twice as long as the match!! For years afterwards they would say it was a record time of 9 sec. It was more like 20 but still an impressive start to Bundy’s year-long push to next year’s Wrestlemania, as this isn’t the last time we’ll see Bundy. A spatula and mop bucket is brought out for S.D. Jones. DUD
3. Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat Vs. Matt Borne – Matt Borne would be known more famously as… Doink the Clown I. He was a pretty good wrestler too though back in his Portland and Mid-South days. Both Jesse and Monsoon put over Borne’s father. Steamboat starts quick and gets a headlock. And in a move I haven’t seen in years because today’s wrestlers are too “primma donna” to take it: AN ATOMIC DROP!!!! Borne’s on rubber-legs. Steamboat mocks poor Borne’s pain. So Borne takes over and stomps on the Dragon for awhile. Steamboat goes into “sympathetic sell-mode” AHHAHAHA YES!. Dr. Monsoon gets his first medical analysis in. I had to rewind it 5 times but it was something like this: “What we call an External pertipal octuberance on the back of your head there” instead of just saying “A Karate Chop”.. More fast paced action and counters by Steamboat until hits a flying body press for the win. Another good match. **
4. David Sammartino (w/ Father Bruno Sammartino) Vs. Brutus Beefcake (w/ manager “Luscious” Johnny Valient) – Johnny Valiant looks and talks like that guy Andy Kaufman used to do, Tony Clifton, except with Blond hair:
Bruno looks about 80 here but looks like he could kick both guys asses as well as Beefcake’s lover, Hogan... Big pop from the MSG for big Bruno. Tie up and Brutus shows he’s stronger. Brutus stalls, another tie up and David gets the advantage with smarts and good wrestling. Brutus cries like a whiny runt bitch outside. Back in and more amateur stuff into a front face lock. Ahh..slow 80’s wrestling. If it was Wrestlemania 22 they’d be a top-rope vertebreaker and two broken Spanish announce tables by now. More 20min headlocks, this time by Brutus. David gets out and keeps Beefcake grounded with more restholds, working on the leg/knee. 40min later and Beefcake gets out and starts kicking Bruno’s son’s ass. David waits for the crowd to cheer and he makes a surprise backdrop comeback! He starts laying into Bruti so Brutus throws him outside in desperation where Valiant, in a particularly diabolical move for it’s day, bodyslams him on the floor. 120 year old Mummy Bruno comes around and, to the biggest pop of the night so far, kicks both their asses to earn a Double-DQ. *
5. INTER-CONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: Greg “The Hammer” Valentine Vs. The Junkyard Dog – JYD is an awful wrestler, but I always really liked him for some reason. JYD swings his chain around and the Hammer bails. Greg Valentine is the son of the legendary Johnny Valentine for those interested, but he was a pretty bad ass wrestler on his own. JYD was a HUGE star in Lousiana before moving to the WWF. JYD thumps him around the ring. WTF, this isn’t boxing ref, stop him or DQ him! The Hammer misses an elbow and JYD does his headbutting routine, knocking Greg out of the ring. Greg works the arm and lays da hammer down with hard forearms before working on the legs. JYD powers out and starts headbutting Valentine so bad he does a Flair flop. Jimmy Hart sticks his nose in and is grabbed by the JYD. This enables Hammer to cheat and get the pin! Chico Santana runs and tells the ref he cheated. The ref buys it and counts The hammer out. JYD wins by Count-Out! That’s CRAP. Greg loses the [kayfabe] winner’s money purse [/kayfabe] cause Chico stuck his nose in, but that’s good fodder for their future feud. Hmmmm, not as good as I remembered. 1/2*
6. TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: The U.S. Express (Mike Rotundo & Barry Windham w/ manager Capt. Lou Albano) Vs. The Foreign Evil Dudes (Iron Shiek & Nikoli Volkoff w/manager Ayatolla Freddie Blassie) – Mike Rotundo and Barry Windham are both two *extremely* underrated wrestlers. Particularly Windham who may have been the Top 4 or 3 workers in the World from 86-88 or so. Nikoli sings the Soviet National Anthem. Sings pretty good too. So good that the fans throw spitballs into the ring. USA USA USA! The U.S. Express gets a huge pop, but I swear the monkeys in the back jacked up the volume for it. Rotundo and Sheik start off. All-American Mike Rotundo hits a dropkick 10 feet away from Sheik’s face, but Shiek sells it. Quick double-team moves by U.S. Express with the bad guys acting like the Three Stooges and making dumb mistakes and hitting each other. More quick tags and they work on Nikoli’s arm. Nikoli rams Rotundo into Sheiks curley, deadly shoes to get the advantage. Rotundo reverses a vertical suplex but is so beat up he can’t make the tag. The Rotundo beatdown continues. USA USA USA Chant! Monsoon claims there’s 25,000 at MSG tonight. Hehehe I kinda doubt it, but it sure sounds like it, MSG always rocked. Rotundo gets free, lunges, and makes the hot tag! Windham’s clearing house! Bulldog to Nikoli but Sheik makes the save. Rotundo knocks Sheik to the outside. The ref throws Rotundo out while the Shiek sneaks up and hits Windham with the dreaded Cane of Death! (Breaks it too) Windham is knocked the FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFfuck out! 1,2,3,. NEW CHAMPS!!! WTF? Where’s Chico? Why doesn’t he come out and tell the ref what happened? The evil foreigner dudes steal the belts! Fun match but too short. **1/2
Gene Mene asked Blassie where’s your Cane? Blassie: “What Cane!?! I didn’t have no Cane.”…
7. Andre the Giant Vs. Big John Studd (w/ manager Bobbie “The Brain” Heenan) – This is a 15,000$ bodyslam match. If Andre can slam Studd he gets 15,000. If he can’t Andre must retire. Scheme Gene tries to steal some bills from the bag but gets his hand slapped by Studd and Heenan. Typical Andre match from those days. I’ve heard that Andre didn’t like Studd and used to stiff him in the matches. Studd gets a low blow and tries to slam Andre, but hurts his back. Studd you moron. The fans start chanting “Slam Slam Slam!” Slow match with Andre dominating. Andre softens up the leg and GETS DA SLAM!! Andre is awarded the money and starts throwing it to the fans!!! So Heenan sprints in the ring like Carl Lewis and grabs the bag! Fun match cause Andre was in it. but Slooooowwwwwwwwww and Boooooooooooooooring.. 1/4*
8. WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP: Leilani Kai (w/ Fabulous Moolah) Vs. Wendi Richter (w/ International Superstar Cyndi Lauper) – Ummm do you have enough makeup there Richter? Jezz you even make Sherri Martel go “GODAMN Girl, that’s a lot!” Sting too. Nice mat work by both girls, especially Kai. Lotsa hair pulling throughout the match. Kai distracts the ref and Moolah grabs Richter’s hair. 40 lb soaking-wet Lauper knocks Moolah on her ass. Kei goes for a Steamboat Flying Bodypress but Richter reverses it (although she screwed it up).. Surprisingly good match. I mean if they did this same match in Japan, Aja Kong would beat their asses up for being so crappy and leave them broken and bleeding in the alleyway, but compared to today’s WWF Women’s matches it was like Flair/Steamboat. **
MAIN EVENT TIME!
The Celebraties are introduced:
Guest Referee: Womanizing Pat Patterson
Guest Ring Annoucner: All around nice guy baseball manager: Billy Martin
Guest Time Keeper: Man’s Man and Pat Patterson’s favorite celeb: Liberace (with the Rockettes watching his back)
Guest Outside Referee: Boxing legend Muhammed Ali
10. World Champ Hulk Hogan & Mr. T (w/ Jimmy Snuka in their corner) Vs. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper & Paul “Mr. Wonderful” Orndorff (w/ "Ace Cowboy" Bob Orton in their corner) – Big pops for the celebs. Piper and friends come out first with a Bag-pipe band playing for them. Ha pretty cool!.. Hogan and T come out to a nuclear pop. Got my money on the heels here. Legit tough guy Liberace rings a super-gay looking bell. Only Manly-man Liberace could get away with sometime so fruity. This match won PWI’s MOTY for 1985, let’s see if it’s any good.
Hogan and Orndorff start off. The crowd is super hot for this. They circle and Piper is jumping up and down for the tag. A tag and now Piper’s in. They circle and now Mr. T’s jumping up and down, screaming for a tag in. WTF is he thinking? He’s not a real wrestler?… Hogan asks the crowd and obliges with a tag to T. . Piper… looks… pissed…. They go nose to nose. Slap by Piper! Slap by Mr .T! Slapfest continues until Piper gets a quick boot and takes that wussy celeb wanna be to the mat. But Mr. T escapes! Piper’s embarresed. Tie –up and Mr. T wins. Piper’s embarrassed again! And… is… MORE… pissed.. He rushes in and Mr. T with a firearms carry into a bodyslam!
Piper rushes again suddenly all six guys jump into the ring for a brawl. Ali comes and around AND TAKES A SWING AT PIPER!!! THEN RUNS AFTER ORTON AND TAKES A SWING AT HIM! THE CROWD IS GOING CRAZY!!! Billy Martin’s laughing at all this crazy shit. The heels are scared at Ali and stay on the outside. Piper then says “Fuck it”, flips off the crowd and they start walking to the back to a chorus of boos..
Referee pat Patterson starts counting them out. Hogan stops him and begs the heels to come back, which they do. They slowly enter the ring and then suddenly charge Hogan only to get a double-noggin knocker. Super Atomic-Drop by Hogan to Piper! Piper’s nutts be all like broken! .. Hogan bounces Pipers head off the mat a bunch of times and they both slug it out until Mr. T is tagged in for a double clothesline to Piper. Mr. T bodyslams and hip tossed both heels. Hogan back in and Piper looks out on his feet. Big boot to Piper and he’s out of the ring. Orndorff sneaks a clotheline to Hogan, knocking him out of the ring too. Outside and Piper hits a chairshot on him!!! This is equivalent to a DDT on broken glass back then. Piper runs when Ali comes over but the damage is already done. Piper looks very pleased with himself and starts getting payback to the Hulkster in the ring. The heels cut the ring in half and taunt Mr .T which lets them double team Hogan. Double-Atomic Drop on Hogan and then a cool Steve Austin looking elbow by Orndorff. Both the heels continue to maul Hogan with quick tags and nice moves. Orndorff goes for a top rope elbow..AND MISSES! Orndorff you dumbass! The crowd is going bananas! Hogan crawls over to Mr. T while a hurt Orndorff goes to tag Piper. Can he make it? Mr. T is tagged in!!!!! But the heels smartly cut him off short and Orndorff and Piper keep him grounded with amateur moves to wear him down. Uh-oh…. Now Mr. T is in for da beating. Mr. T draws power from the fans and explodes for a tags in to the Hulkster! Another double noggin knocker but Orndorff hits a back suplex to end that shit. Orton runs in only to get headbutted out by Snuka. All six guys are in the ring again for a melee! Orndorff has Hogan in a full-nelson! Piper runs after him but is intercepted by Mr. T. The ref(s) try to break up Piper and T, meanwhile Orton sneaks to the top rope for a match and possible career-ending “arm-caste shot” to Hogan. But Hogan moves and he hits Orndorff instead!!!!!!! Snuka knocks Orton outta da ring and Hogan gets the 3 count on Orndorff!! Piper is so pissed and knocks out the ref before leaving. Him and Orton leave an unconscious Orndorff in the ring. He wakes up and looks for Piper and Orton, but they’re gone. This’ll set up their feud including a great SNME match. Yes I’m definitely overrating this main event, and although it wasn’t an Guerrero/Benoit technical clinic, it was a really fun match to watch. ****